I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
