He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
