i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
