I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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