someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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