wrigley field is MILF paradise
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
