It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize