don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
