So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
he told me I talked like a deaf person
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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