tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
