i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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