Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
