I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
What drink are we having for lunch?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
