I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
