just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
