It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
