just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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