Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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