Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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