At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
