Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
