I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
