got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
