She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
