I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
