K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
