Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
