I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
