The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
