HIV tests are more positive than that guy
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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