I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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