I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
