Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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