i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
