my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
