i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
