Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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