Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I love black thongs
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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