Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize