I want to walk on stilts...naked
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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