textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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