I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
