1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
