She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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