I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
