I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
