So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
