Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
