Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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