I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
