so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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