I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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