i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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