Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
