as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
