So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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