i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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