I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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