I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
